abuse · alone · depression · Love · Love story · mental health · Uncategorized

Settling

“He messaged me today. It’s been two whole months since we last texted”

“You do remember what he did to you right?”

“I remember”couple-love-hugging-hug-miss-u-alone-sad-girls-kissing-kiss-cute-emo-making-love-photography-tumblr-24

“Did you reply?”

“Of course I did. We had a long conversation, caught up. He was being very friendly after a long time. Asked questions, asked how I was doing, what I was up to.”

“I feel like I must ask this again: You do remember what he did to you, right?”

“He told me I looked nice, pretty even. He said it felt good to see my picture after so long.”

“What’s it going to take to make you understand? He’s just lying, trying to get into your pants again. Probably isn’t getting the female attention he thought he’d get once he left you.”

“You think if he’s calling me pretty he’s lying to get into my pants?”

“Yes.”

“He’s the only guy who’s ever called me pretty.”

“You don’t need guys to tell you you’re pretty.”

“Then who do I need to call me pretty? You? For all I know you could be lying because you’re my friend!”

“I’m not lying. You are pretty.”

“Then how come nobody tells me that?”

“Ugh. I’m just saying that you don’t need to get your heart broken again by some douche that can use flowery words.”

“He used to make me feel good about myself. He did it again last night. I was happy.”

“You’re better than that.”

“For God’s sake, better than what? Better than fucking what? He’s the only guy who’s ever given me attention in all the twenty-six years of my being. He’s the only guy who’s made me feel good about myself, who’s said nice things about me that are not related to how smart I am or how talented I am, or some bullshit like that.”

“You’ll find someone who does the same things but won’t break you as soon as he’s bored.”

“And when exactly will that happen? When exactly will that fucking happen? You know all this is easy for you to say. You found the perfect person for yourself the day you hit puberty. You have someone to go to whenever you want, who makes you feel good about yourself on a daily basis, who flatters you and thinks you’re important. Well excuse me if I want the same for myself. Excuse me if I also want some guy’s attention, even if it’s from somebody who broke my heart, because that’s the only person I’m getting it from! They say you’ll find the right person, keep waiting. Well what if I keep waiting and don’t find anybody. What if there’s no one for me except for a heart breaker? Some of us don’t get our fairy tales so we have to settle for less, because that’s the only thing we’re getting!”

“You’re making a big mistake.”

“Well maybe I am. And I’d make it again and again if it means I don’t have to be the designated third wheeler on all our hang outs, if it means I can feel less lonely, if it means I can allow myself to feel a bit worthy of someone’s attention. Feeling lonely with someone is probably better off than feeling lonely alone. Trust me, I would know.”

“He’ll kill you. Emotionally.”

“Oh but you don’t know. He can’t kill what’s already dead.”

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